Years ago, I experienced firsthand how subtly a toxic dynamic can creep into even a close friendship. I didn’t have the language for it then, but I felt the constant drain, anxiety, and subtle undermining of my confidence.
It took recognizing those patterns and making some difficult choices to regain my equilibrium. That personal understanding, combined with what I’ve seen in counseling, reveals a concerning rise in these damaging connections.
We hear the term “toxic relationship” constantly, but do we truly understand what a toxic relationship is? Many people don’t. And that’s why this series is important: because the key to protecting yourself is to first understand what a toxic relationship is, learn to recognize it, avoid it, or find a way out.
What Is a Toxic Relationship? Defining the Dynamics
The phrase “what is a toxic relationship” often comes up because people are trying to understand if the difficulties they’re facing are normal disagreements or something more serious.
And that’s a crucial distinction.
All relationships have their ups and downs. Disagreements, misunderstandings, and even hurt feelings. They come with the territory. However, in a healthy relationship, these issues are addressed with respect, empathy, and a willingness to compromise.
In contrast, a toxic relationship is defined by a persistent pattern of negativity. It’s not about isolated incidents but the overall dynamic of the relationship and the consistent presence of toxic behaviour in relationships. Such behavior is often emotionally and sometimes physically harmful.
Here are eleven (11) characteristics that distinguish a toxic relationship:
- Power Imbalance: One person consistently exerts control or dominance over the other. This can manifest in various ways, from subtle manipulation to overt control.
- Disrespect: This can include name-calling, belittling, insults, dismissive behavior, and a general lack of consideration for the other person’s feelings.
- Manipulation: Using guilt, threats, or other tactics to control the other person’s behavior or emotions.
- Control: Attempts to isolate the other person from friends and family, control their finances, or dictate their actions.
- Dishonesty: Frequent lying, deception, or withholding of information.
- Lack of Empathy: An inability or unwillingness to understand or share the other person’s feelings.
- Constant Criticism: Frequent and unwarranted criticism, often focused on personal attacks rather than constructive feedback.
- Emotional Abuse: This can include verbal abuse, gaslighting (making someone question their own sanity), threats, intimidation, and other forms of emotional manipulation.
- Physical Abuse: Any form of physical violence or threat of violence. (This is an immediate red flag and requires seeking help immediately).
- Codependency: An unhealthy reliance on the other person for validation and self-worth, often leading to enabling behavior.
- Walking on Eggshells: Constantly being careful to prevent a negative reaction.
Why Toxic Relationships Happen: Root Causes and Contributing Factors
Toxic relationships don’t just appear out of nowhere. While the signs of toxicity are often readily apparent, the roots of these behaviors can be much deeper and complex.
Understanding these underlying issues will prove helpful, not to excuse toxic behavior, but to potentially figure out how to break the cycle.
Let’s look at some of these deeper issues:
- Unresolved Trauma: Past trauma, particularly from childhood (abuse, neglect, or witnessing domestic violence), can significantly affect how individuals behave in relationships.
- Low Self-Esteem: Both the individual exhibiting toxic behaviors and the person on the receiving end may struggle with low self-worth. This can lead to unhealthy attempts to gain validation, either through control or by tolerating abuse, because they believe they don’t deserve better.
- Personality Disorders: Certain personality disorders, such as narcissistic, borderline, and antisocial personality disorder, are often associated with toxic relationship patterns characterized by difficulties with empathy, emotional regulation, and interpersonal relationships. (Now, don’t go diagnosing someone because of this. This is simply to provide context.)
- Learned Behaviors: Individuals may unconsciously repeat toxic behaviors learned from their family of origin or past relationships. What they witnessed as “normal” becomes their blueprint.
- Unhealthy Attachment Styles: Insecure attachment styles (anxious, avoidant, or disorganized), often rooted in early childhood experiences, can contribute to unhealthy ideas about relationships. These styles fundamentally affect how individuals approach intimacy, trust, and communication.
The Science of Toxicity – A Brief Look
While toxic relationships are often discussed in terms of behavior and emotions, there’s also a biological and psychological basis for these rather damaging behaviours. Research in psychology and neuroscience reveals several key factors that might explain why people are drawn to such relationships:
- Evolutionary Psychology: From an evolutionary perspective, forming strong social bonds was crucial for survival. In the past, aligning with dominant or assertive individuals might have offered a survival advantage. However, these traits can manifest as toxic behaviors in modern relationships.
- Familiarity: We are creatures of habit. Individuals who grew up in environments where toxicity was the norm may subconsciously seek out similar dynamics in their adult relationships, even if those experiences were detrimental. The toxic relationship’s meaning is, therefore, tied up with old experiences.
- Neurochemistry and Addiction
- Stress Hormones: Toxic interactions trigger the release of stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. Chronic exposure to these hormones has detrimental effects on physical and mental health, impacting brain regions involved in emotional regulation and decision-making.
- Brain’s Reward System: The unpredictable nature of toxic relationships can create a “trauma bond,” where intermittent positive reinforcement (e.g., occasional affection or apologies) activates the brain’s reward system (releasing dopamine and oxytocin), making it difficult to leave, similar to addiction.
- Self-esteem and the Need for Validation: Individuals with low self-esteem might be prone to seek validation, especially in relationships, and toxic partners often use this to their advantage.
- Fear of Abandonment: Fear of loneliness, often rooted in insecure attachment styles, may also make individuals stay longer than they should in toxic relationships.
Rather complicated, right? The summary is simply that many factors work together to give rise to toxic people who then go on to have toxic relationships. We may explore this topic in more detail in a future article.
The Heavy Toll of Toxic Relationships
The consequences of remaining in a toxic relationship go beyond being unhappy. It affects nearly every aspect of a person’s life, including;
- Mental Health: Toxic relationships significantly increase the risk of anxiety, depression, PTSD, and other mental health issues. I’ve seen friends involved in such feeling utterly depleted, their self-worth shattered, struggling with crippling anxiety and, in some cases, deep depression. There’s no better ground for mental health challenges than this.
- Emotional Well-Being: Beyond diagnosable conditions, toxic relationships create a constant state of emotional distress. Individuals often experience chronic stress, fear, self-doubt, feelings of worthlessness, and a pervasive sense of not being good enough.
- Physical Health: When the mind is in turmoil, the body will follow. Thus, the chronic stress of a toxic relationship often manifests in physical symptoms like headaches, digestive problems, sleep disturbances, a weakened immune system, and even chronic pain.
- Self-Esteem: A toxic relationship systematically erodes self-worth and confidence. The constant criticism, manipulation, and control leave individuals questioning their perceptions and abilities.
- Social Isolation: Toxic partners often isolate their victims from friends and family, either through direct control or by creating an environment where the individual feels they must withdraw to avoid conflict. This isolation further compounds the negative impact.
- Difficulty Forming Healthy Relationships: Past toxic relationships create a distorted blueprint for future connections. Individuals may struggle to trust others, have difficulty setting healthy boundaries, or even unconsciously repeat unhealthy patterns
Recognizing the Problem, Seeking Support
Recognizing the problem is the first step to breaking free. Seeking support is the next.
If you recognize yourself, or your relationship, in the descriptions above, please know that you’re not alone, and support is available. Toxic relationships thrive in secrecy and isolation, so reaching out is essential.
Because of the sensitive nature of this topic and the importance of privacy, we understand that public comments may not feel safe or appropriate. If you have questions, need support, or want to share your experience, please reach out to me directly or mail me at definitions.adebajo@gmail.com. Your privacy will be respected.
The other articles in this series will explore the specific signs of toxic relationships in more detail, different types of toxic relationships, and, most importantly, how to leave safely and begin the process of healing.
