Do you constantly feel like you’re walking on eggshells around your partner, friend, or family member? Do you find yourself apologizing even when you’ve done nothing wrong or consistently questioning your perceptions? These seemingly small feelings can be significant signs of a toxic relationship.
We’ve established what defines a toxic relationship – a persistent pattern of harmful behavior. But recognizing those patterns in your life can be challenging, especially in the early stages.
This article provides a practical checklist of 23 red flags, ranging from subtle early warnings to more overt signs of toxicity, so you can identify unhealthy dynamics in your relationships and take steps toward healthier connections.
Note that this is not about labeling every disagreement as toxic. Instead, it’s about recognizing consistent patterns that undermine your well-being.
23 Signs of a Toxic Relationship
The following signs are categorized to help you identify patterns of behavior. Now, that one or two signs exist doesn’t automatically mean a relationship is toxic. It’s the consistent presence of multiple signs and the overall feeling of being drained, diminished, and controlled that indicates a problem.
However, any form of abuse – emotional, physical, or financial – is a serious red flag and requires immediate attention.
I. Control & Domination Signs
1. Controlling Behavior (Early warning sign)
Your partner, friend, or family member tries to control significant aspects of your life, such as who you see, what you do, what you wear, or how you spend your money. This is a clear attempt to exert power and dominance. This might start with seemingly innocent suggestions or expressions of concern but gradually escalates to more direct attempts to control your choices. Examples include constantly checking your phone or social media to see what you’re doing, discouraging you from spending time with friends or family, or criticizing your clothing choices for no obvious reason.
2. Jealousy and Possessiveness (Early warning sign)
Being overly possessive is another sign of a toxic relationship. They seem excessively concerned with who you’re talking to or spending time with, showing signs of unreasonable jealousy or possessiveness. This might manifest as excessive questioning about your whereabouts or minor annoyances when you spend time with others. For example, they might text you constantly when you’re out with friends or make snide comments about your relationships with other people.
3. Isolation
They actively attempt to isolate you from your support network (friends, family) to increase their control and your dependence. This often happens gradually, making it harder to notice. They might make it difficult for you to see friends or family, criticize your loved ones, or make you feel guilty for spending time with others. This is an advanced sign.
4. Monitoring Activity
They track your movements, phone calls, and online activity or demand access to your personal accounts. This is a clear violation of privacy and a strong indicator of control and a lack of trust. This is an advanced sign of a toxic relationship.
5. Financial Control
They exert control over shared finances, limiting your access to funds or making significant financial decisions without your input or agreement. This can include withholding money, preventing you from working, or racking up debt in your name. This is also an advanced sign of toxicity and can be a form of economic abuse.
II. Manipulation & Dishonesty
6. Guilt-Tripping
An early warning sign of toxicity you need to watch out for. Toxic partners frequently use guilt to get their way, making you feel responsible for their feelings or actions. For instance, they might say, “If you really loved me, you would…” or “After all I’ve done for you, you can’t even do this one thing?”
7. Blame-Shifting
Blame-shifting is another early sign of toxic relationships. They frequently make excuses and justifications for their behavior, often blaming you or others for their mistakes or problems. You might hear phrases like, “It’s your fault I got angry” or “I wouldn’t have to lie if you weren’t so controlling.”
8. Subtle Dishonesty
White lies or omitting information may be early signs of a larger pattern of dishonesty. While seemingly minor, these can erode trust and security within the relationship. It can graduate into betrayal, which involves consistently lying or acting in an intentionally dishonest way, such as cheating, sharing sensitive information about you with others, or breaking significant promises.
9. Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a serious form of manipulation where someone makes you question your sanity, memory, or perceptions. They might deny things they said or did, even with proof, tell you you’re crazy or imagining things, or twist situations to make you feel at fault. This is an advanced sign of toxicity.
10. Threats
Using threats (direct or veiled) to control your behavior is a serious red flag. This can include threats of self-harm, harm to others, or ending the relationship. Examples include, “If you leave me, I’ll kill myself” or “If you talk to your mum again, I’ll leave you.” These threats end up creating a climate of fear and insecurity. No matter how it is phrased, any threat should be taken seriously, as this is an advanced sign that you have a toxic partner.
11. Relationship Scorecard
They consistently bring up past mistakes to deflect from current issues or to make you feel guilty. This creates a dynamic where you’re constantly on the defensive and unable to move forward. An example is a statement like, “I did this for you 2 years ago, so you should do this for me.”
III. Communication & Respect
12. Disrespect
Subtle put-downs, sarcastic comments, eye-rolling, interrupting you constantly, or making fun of you in front of others are all signs of disrespect. These behaviors, even if seemingly minor, can be early signs of a toxic relationship as they can chip away at your self-esteem over time.
13. Ignoring Needs
Not paying attention to your needs could also be a sign of a toxic relationship. They have difficulty acknowledging or responding to your needs, and they consistently prioritize their own needs and desires over yours. This might manifest as refusing to compromise, ignoring your requests for help or support, or making decisions that negatively impact you without consulting you.
14. Lack of Empathy
They have difficulty understanding or acknowledging your emotions, often dismissing or invalidating your feelings. You might express sadness, and they tell you to “get over it,” or you share a concern, and they minimize it or turn it back on you.
15. Constant Criticism
Frequent and unwarranted criticism, often focused on personal attacks rather than constructive feedback, is a hallmark of a toxic relationship. The criticism is persistent and demeaning and rarely offers solutions. Examples include: “You’re so stupid,” “You’ll never amount to anything,” or “You’re always messing things up.”
16. Walking on Eggshells
You constantly feel like you have to be careful about what you say or do to avoid upsetting the other person or triggering a negative reaction. You censor yourself, avoid certain topics, and feel anxious and tense around them. You do this because you know they approach you with condemnation instead of curiosity, making you feel judged for your thoughts, feelings, or actions. This is a strong indicator of an emotionally unsafe environment and an advanced sign of a toxic relationship.
17. Toxic Communication
Conversations are consistently filled with sarcasm, criticism, contempt, and passive-aggressive behavior. This results in you not feeling safe enough to speak up or talk about what is on your mind, leading to suppressed emotions and unresolved issues. Examples include consistently using a condescending tone, giving the silent treatment, making backhanded compliments, or using phrases like, “You always…” or “You never…”. Definitely an advanced sign.
IV. Support & Validation
18. Lack of Support
Toxic partners show a lack of enthusiasm for your successes or interests, often minimizing your accomplishments or discouraging you from pursuing your goals. If you notice this, you may have caught an early sign of a toxic relationship, so pay more attention. At an advanced stage, the lack of support becomes sabotage in which they will actively undermine your efforts, goals, or relationships, either subtly or overtly. This can involve spreading rumors, interfering with your work, or creating obstacles to your success.
19. Withholding Affection/Support
They use affection (or the withholding of it) as a tool for control or punishment. This creates an unstable and unpredictable emotional environment. This is an advanced sign.
V. Emotional & Physical Well-Being
20. Feeling Drained
You consistently feel emotionally and physically exhausted after interactions with the person, leaving you with a sense of dread or depletion.
21. Feeling Unsafe/Constant Stress
You feel physically or emotionally unsafe in the relationship, experiencing constant stress, anxiety, or fear. You might worry about their reactions, feel like you can’t be yourself, or experience physical symptoms of stress (e.g., headaches, stomachaches). This is an advanced sign.
22. Emotional Abuse
This is a sign of toxic relationships. This encompasses a wide range of behaviors designed to control, diminish, or harm you. It includes verbal abuse, constant negativity, threats, and intimidation.
VI. Reciprocity & Fairness
23 Lack of Reciprocity
The relationship is consistently one-sided, with one person giving significantly more (effort, compromise, emotional support) than they receive. This creates an imbalance and can lead to resentment and feelings of being used or undervalued.
Abusive vs Toxic Relationships: Any Difference?
It’s essential to distinguish between abusive and toxic relationships.
While all abusive relationships are toxic, not all toxic relationships are abusive. This distinction can help understand the severity of the situation and determine the appropriate course of action.
Toxic relationships, as we’ve discussed, are characterized by a pattern of unhealthy behaviors: control, manipulation, disrespect, lack of support, and so on. These behaviors can be incredibly damaging, eroding self-esteem and overall well-being.
However, in some cases, the individuals involved may be unaware of their unhealthy patterns or may be unwilling to work on changing them. This means the toxic relationship can be fixed. Again, what one person might consider to be toxic and what another person may be willing to ignore may differ.
Abusive relationships, on the other hand, involve a deliberate and consistent attempt to exert power and control over another person through fear, intimidation, and harm.
Abuse can take many forms, including emotional, physical, sexual, and financial. Often, abusive relationships follow a cyclical pattern known as the cycle of abuse. This involves;
- Tension Building: Stress and tension build in the relationship. The abuser may become increasingly irritable, critical, and controlling.
- Incident: An act of abuse occurs (physical, emotional, sexual, or financial).
- Reconciliation/Honeymoon: The abuser may apologize, promise to change, shower the victim with affection, or minimize the abuse (“It wasn’t that bad,” “You made me do it”).
- Calm: A period of relative peace, where the abuser may seem to be trying to change. This period is often what keeps the victim in the relationship, hoping that the abuse will stop. However, the cycle inevitably repeats itself.
What to Do If You Recognize These Signs
If you identify with many of the signs of toxic relationships described in this article, here’s what you should do:
- Trust Your Gut: If something feels wrong, it probably is. Don’t dismiss your feelings or make excuses for the other person’s behavior.
- Prioritize Your Safety: If you are experiencing physical or sexual abuse, your safety is paramount. Seek help immediately from a trusted friend, family member, or spiritual leader.
- Talk to Someone You Trust: Confide in a friend, family member, therapist, or counselor. Talking about your experiences can help you gain perspective and feel less alone.
- Set Boundaries: Start setting boundaries, even small ones, to protect yourself. This might involve saying no more often, limiting contact with the toxic person, or refusing to engage in arguments.
- Document the Behavior: If you feel safe doing so, keep a record of the toxic behaviors (dates, times, specific incidents). This can be helpful if you decide to seek legal or professional help.
- Consider Therapy: A therapist can provide support, guidance, and tools for coping with a toxic relationship and making decisions about your future.
- End it: If it’s a romantic relationship where you’re not yet married, end the relationship if your partner is unwilling to consider their actions and make changes. If it’s a family relationship, give yourself space. If it’s a work relationship, consider switching jobs or reporting the person.
Conclusion
Toxic relationships can have a devastating impact on your well-being, but recognizing the signs is how you can reclaim your power and build healthier connections.
This article has provided a comprehensive checklist of red flags, from subtle early warnings to more overt signs of toxicity and abuse.
The next articles in this series will help you understand toxic friendships, family, and workplace relationships before we show you steps to leave safely and to heal.
Need help? Contact us today or shoot us an email at definitions.adebajo@gmail.com
